


You Had Me At Shut Up

by WhenJoshIsJoseph



Category: Batman - All Media Types, The LEGO Batman Movie (2017)
Genre: Batjokes, Being Protective, Christmas, Ficlets, Fluff, Holidays, Love, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Mostly Fluff, One-Shot, Rooftops, Superheroes, Supervillains, Tumblr, Valentine's Day, Wayne Manor, alfred is a legend, batman brooding, bit of angst sometimes BUT HAPPY ENDINGS, dc, happiness, happy endings, harley quinn is the supportive bestie, joker being cute, kind of, or maybe two or something, prompts, robin being cute, there seem to be quite a few rooftops in this, this is all very gay
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-27
Updated: 2018-04-28
Packaged: 2018-11-19 20:39:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 7,356
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11321295
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhenJoshIsJoseph/pseuds/WhenJoshIsJoseph
Summary: Little one shots from Tumblr prompts about Batman (Bruce Wayne) and Joker. BATJOKES <3 (I might add additional tags as the stories progress). Loads of credit to:https://lego-batjokes-prompts.tumblr.com/(If you want to write a batjokes fic, visit their Tumblr account!)





	1. Hold My Hand

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Based on the prompt: “I know this might sound weird to you but…can you hold my hand? I’m scared."

Joker giggles, and Bruce flashes him a brief glare, making Joker crack up even more.

"What the hell is funny about this, Joker?" Bruce grumbles, gesturing at the screen. The woman on the screen bustles around the kitchen, unaware of her friend being bloodily murdered just outside the window.

"It's just...It's so _fake_!" Joker exclaims, laughing harder. Bruce rolls his eyes. "I mean, c'mon! I know she's deaf, but she's not _completely_ senseless! What about her eyes?" Bruce has to admit, Joker has a point. He exhales loudly as his lover buries his face in Bruce's neck. The two are sitting on a sofa at the manor, a thick blanket wrapped around them. Bruce pulls Joker closer to his body, re-adjusting his arm and flopping it over Joker's shoulders. Joker yawns, and Bruce raises an eyebrow.

"Tired already?" he asks the green-haired clown.

"Just bored," Joker mumbles into his boyfriend's neck. Bruce's skin tingles at the sensation of feeling Joker's breath on his skin, and he shivers slightly.

"We could always head upstairs," Bruce says, not realising the connotations until his eyes settle on Joker's grin. "Not like that!" Bruce blurts, although they've been in bed together plenty of times before.

"Aww," Joker replies, huffing. "And I thought you were going to entertain me..."

"We could," Bruce says suggestively, before quickly adding, "That is, if you want to." Joker nods.

"Perfect, sirs. I have the bed ready," comes a voice from behind the two men. They both jump, swivelling in their chairs to see Alfred standing behind them.

" _Alfred!_ " Bruce chides, going red. "How long have you been here for?!" Alfred smiles, only slightly.

"Long enough, sir. I shall go take a midnight snack up to your rooms, Master Wayne." And with that, he exits.

Bruce turns to Joker's huddled form. "Well? You ready?" Bruce asks gently. Joker nods, and Bruce gets up, ready to retreat to the master bedroom, when he feels Joker's cold hand against his own. He turns to look at Joker, confused.

 **“I know this might sound weird to you but…can you hold my hand? I’m scared,"** Joker confesses. Bruce nods, pulling his boyfriend to his feet.

"What's there to be scared of?" Bruce questions, not unkindly. Joker's eyes dart about, before they fix on Bruce's eyes.

"Your butler. He's everywhere." Bruce laughs and holds Joker tight to himself, and together they trudge up to the master bedroom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The movie they were watching is called 'Hush'. It's on Netflix. I was watching it myself when my mom pointed out that error (thanks, mom.). Feel free to leave a comment (constructive criticism welcome) and any corrections. I hope you enjoyed it!


	2. Look In My Eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Based on prompt #208:  
> "Joker, it's not that high up. C'mon. Just look at me. Don't stop looking in my eyes."

Bruce doesn’t think he’s ever seen the Joker look as frightened as he does now.

He tries to lock eyes with him from under the cowl, but the green- haired clown’s eyes dart fearfully from the night sky to the drop beneath him.

 For the life of him, Bruce cannot fathom why the Joker seems so petrified. It’s not as if the Joker’s never been dropped before. Hell, it had been Bruce himself who threw him off. But now, watching him balance precautiously on the metal beams between the two skyscrapers, Bruce feels as if he shoved an entirely different person off that building.

 But of one thing he’s certain: he needs to convince the man in front of him to tight-rope to safety. Bruce would fly over to him by himself, except that he’s currently occupied holding up one end of the beam. If he drops it, even for a second, Joker will fall to his death.

 He’s able to appreciate the fact that no – one seems to be around. It means that no-one will see the Batman helping the clown prince of crime, and that Bruce will be able to call out to the Joker as loud as he likes.

“Joker! Hey, Joker, listen to me!” Bruce yells, trying to get the clown’s attention. The Joker looks at him for a few precious seconds, before his eyes return to the drop below him. Bruce has to get Joker to focus on something else. Otherwise, he’ll never get the clown to listen to reason.

 **“Joker, it’s not that high up. C’mon. Just look at me.”** That grabs his focus, so Bruce wills himself to continue. “Yeah, that’s it. **Don’t stop looking in my eyes.”** Emerald green eyes lock with Bruce’s own. “Okay, now take a step forward. Go on.” The clown tip toes across the metal, edging closer and closer to Bruce by the second. “Keep going!” Bruce encourages, and Joker’s close, oh so close, when-

-The beam slides forward from the side of the skyscraper across Bruce, and because of Joker’s added weight, it tips forwards and-

Joker stumbles and falls.

“No!” Bruce cries, releasing his grip on the metal beam and plunging into a dive, his wings opening up smoothly. Below him, the Joker’s face forms a perfect surprised expression as he tumbles to his death. Bruce forces himself to accelerate, and snatching up a device from his utility belt, manages to wrap a thin metal wire around Joker’s ankle and wrench him towards himself as they land, just in time, on the floor.

“Basty…” Joker mumbles weakly. “I knew you’d save me.” His feeble grin stirs up something inside of Bruce, but he chooses it to take it out as anger.

“What the hell, Joker?! Why were you so cowardly? You could’ve died!” Joker giggles, still in Bruce’s arms, seeming to enjoy being held bridal style.

“Aww, Bats, would you have missed me?” he whispers. Bruce blushes, thanking no one in particular for the cowl that covers his red flush. “Worried about my safety?” Joker continues.

 Bruce is about to make a sarcastic remark when Joker says:

“I was worried about you. Worried that I would die pointlessly. Without you. It would be fine if you’d pushed me off that metal beam, stabbed me in the very centre of my little heart or maybe even in the back. As long as it’s you. You’re the reason I live, so you’re the reason I die. I don’t want to die without you. You wouldn’t understand.”

“I do,” Bruce replies softly. He’s about to say more when Joker silences him with a kiss.

“Thank you for saving my life,” the clown mumbles against Bruce’s lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for your last comments and kudos and feel free to comment on this chapter too! I hope you enjoyed and I'll try to update soooon <3


	3. Padre

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OMG so much LOVE from you guysss! So this is kind of about Robin, and it's based on prompt #213 - “Mr. Joker! Please help me! My dad’s really hurt!”. Dw, it's not angsty. hope you enjoy it!

_Padre’s always told me to stay away from this place_ , Robin thinks to himself. The dark alleyway gives way to a ramshackle apartment building that looks a lot more daunting in real life than it sounds in his dad’s stories. But he _has_ to carry on. He has to find the only person who can help him now.

Robin knocks on the wooden door, half-expecting it to tumble down, but to his surprise, it stays standing just fine, swung open a few moments later to reveal someone he’s not looking for, someone that he didn’t expect to find here.

Scarecrow.

The corrupted doctor bares his teeth in a frightening grin, although it’s nothing compared to the Joker’s signature smile.

“Oh, would you look at this! A new test subject!”

Robin gulps.

“I-I’m not one of your victims!” Robin tries to assert. “Sir,” he instinctively adds. Scarecrow grabs him by the scruff of his neck.

“Sure you are,” he sneers, pulling Robin off his feet and dragging him inside. He turns to close the door, and Robin uses this distraction to kick Scarecrow in the sensitive area, just as his dad once instructed him.

_If only Padre could see me now_ , Robin thinks as Scarecrow yelps and releases him. The thought reminds him of why he’s here in the first place.

The young hero surveys his surroundings just as an angered Scarecrow lunges for him.

“Why, you little-” Scarecrow is cut off by a high-pitched squeal.

“Ooh, Mista J, you have _got_ to see this!” Harley yells as she bounds down the stairs. Then, the Joker himself pokes his head around the corner.

“Hey, Scarecrow, get your hands off the Bat kid!” Joker shouts, and scarecrow reluctantly releases his new-found grip on Robin.

Having made his way across the hall, the green-haired criminal stalks over to him, then crouches down to Robin’s level.

“Kid, give me one reason why I shouldn’t just get rid of you now,” the Joker drawls. Robin’s eyes widen. He can’t die! He needs to complete his mission – urgently (also, he’s _way_ too young to die).

**“Mr. Joker! Please help me!”** he tries, almost ignoring the Joker’s casual threat. The clown throws his head back and laughs.

“I tell you that I’m going to dispose of you, and you ask me for _help_?” the Joker chuckles lazily. “You’re either extremely determined or extremely stupid. But I gotta say, I’m curious. What is it?”

**“My dad’s really hurt!”** Robin exclaims, and the Joker blanches.

“B-Bats? Hurt?” Joker questions in disbelief. Robin nods, and Joker snaps his eyes to Robin’s face. “Well, where is he!? I’ve got to save him!” Robin smiles, before stuttering:

 “Oh, he’s uh, in the Batmobile. It’s uh, crashed near Gotham Central park.” Joker mutters something, calculating it in his head.

“I can get there in five minutes!” he hollers, jumping to his feet and, pulling on his suit jacket, he strides to the front door.

“Harley, look after the kid. Treat him good.”

“But Mr-” Robin objects, only to be cut off by the clown.

“Kid, I’ve got a Bat to save. And some things to do afterwards, which I can’t do with you around – he’d never let me,” Joker says, winking, before disappearing out the doorway, and leaving Robin a little confused. _Oh well._

“Say, Robin,” Harley asks, watching the empty doorway, “Why didn’t you just ask one of them superheroes?”

“They’re busy,” Robin says simply, before breaking into an innocent grin. “Plus, I wanted to give Mr Joker a chance with Padre. They make a really good team!” Harley giggles, and Scarecrow smiles a bit too.

“Now, that’s one smart kid.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that's that one up! Leave comments and correction if you want...  
> Can I just apologise for the last chapter? I had thirty seconds to upload it once I'd written it (long story - Lex Luthor was holding a gun to my head...I wish, it's nothing that exciting) so no proof reading, forgot to put the title in (yikes!), etc. Basically, it was a flop. Also, these notes are all over the place and idk how to correct them and I don't want to accidentally erase anything (problems when this is your first fic on AO3 and you have no idea what you're doing and you're really unprofessional). Also, this is extremely long, and you've probably stopped reading/fallen asleep/skipped this. Oh well.


	4. Insatiable

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Based on prompt #192:  
> “I know you love me, Joker.”  
> “Whaaaat!? That’s just…pft! You-pft! Whatever!”
> 
> (Bear with me, guys.)

“So, ummm…” Joker begins. Harley rests her elbows on her knees, leaning forwards.

“Go on, sugar. You can tell me.” So, he clears his throat, and says:

“I, uh...well…” before trailing off. He looks down at his toes, before this insatiable anger rushes through his body and he slams his fist into the wall. Harley doesn’t even flinch.

“Damn it!” the clown yells. “How does he do this to me?! How does he make me feel like this without even knowing it?! It’s…it’s driving me crazy, and that’s really something!” Joker takes in a deep breath. “I…I think I…love him.” He hates the way his voice sounds, so weak, so lovesick.

“Honey pie, you gotta let it all out. You know, tell-”

“You’re absolutely right.” He perks up suddenly. “That’s it! Harley, you’re a genius!” The girl smiles embarrassedly.

“Well, sweetie, telling him is the-”

“A killing spree! That’s what I need! I’m thinking, uh…lovers! Yeah, lovers! See how Cupid works then, right?” The clown looks at Harley for approval, but she shakes her head.

“No, sugar, I meant-” she tries to object, but the Joker is already gone.

*

“Come on, Joker! I haven’t got time for your games! Just…just show me where you are and we’ll talk about this,” Batsy yells. Ha. Talk about this. The idea is so stupid, so fake, that the Joker bursts out laughing, ultimately revealing his hiding place.

“Oh, Batsy, you’re so naïve, it’s insane!” the clown exclaims, springing out of his hiding place with a flourish. The Bat only rolls his eyes. Rude.

“That’s rich, coming from you,” Batsy scoffs. Joker leans in, enjoying the scent of his man, his one and only. The clown appreciatively runs his eyes along the vigilante’s muscles, imagining them wrapped around his-

Oh, damn it. He’s doing it again. Joker lets out a shaky laugh and breathily replies:

“Oh, come on. I’m not insane!” Then, to himself: “But I might be a little head over heels.”

“Look, Joker, I’ve told you. I’m not here for your games. I know your secret.” The clown freezes. Has he located the hostages? No, no, he can’t have. Joker’s told them too much. This is horrible! What if Batsy discovers his affections? But the Bat interrupts his thoughts with something much worse:

**“I know you love me, Joker.”** Oh.

**“Whaaaat!? That’s just…pft! You-pft! Whatever!”** Joker denies, but judging by Batsy’s grin, the clown hasn’t convinced him. Joker hates the way that the vigilante smirks at him, mocking his inner dilemma. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, darling. We hate each other, remember? That’s how it works; we’re not some Romeo and Juliet type thing.” The Bat cocks his head.

“Oh? Is that true, darling?” he mocks, and Joker feels the heat rushing to his face. Damn Batsy and his god-awful cowl – Joker can’t get the full satisfaction of winding up his Bats. Then he continues:

“So, say if I, Batman, superhero, did this…” Out of nowhere, the tall figure crashes his lips against the clown’s. Joker gasps into the vigilante’s mouth, and Batsy breaks the kiss. “…to you, Joker, arch-villain…would that be bad?” he finishes, looking to Joker for a reply. But Joker, for once, is speechless.

“Hey, Jokes…I love you too.” Joker stares at the Bat for a second, before plunging him into another kiss.

“I guess that would be okay then,” the clown whispers softly, loving the feel of Batsy’s strong arms around him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's another chapter up! Good ol' Harley in there too! Leave comments/corrections if you feel like it. Also, my Tumblr blog is called jokesequaljoker! Feel free to drop by...


	5. Rogues Vs Rogues

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Joker protecting his nemesis <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Based on Lego Batjokes Prompt #197  
> “Good luck trying to get to him without fighting me first.”  
> I'm really imagining LEGO Batjokes here!
> 
> (Also, sorry for taking a while to update...I've been reading my new Batman/Joker comics and it really messed up my writing...aka lots of angst, violence, etc. etc. cos of the amazing comic that is Joker: Kill the Family.)

“No.” The Joker balled his hands into fists and stood his ground. Harley Quinn had the decency to listen to the green haired clown and stop, but the other criminals just sneered and kept advancing.

“What’s the problem?” Bane growled. “The Bat’s unconscious. We can finally get him back for the pain he’s caused us over the years.” Ivy nodded.

“Step out of the way, darling,” she prompted in her honeyed voice. “Mother Nature’s got some work to do.” But the Joker simply shook his head.

“ _No!_ He…he doesn’t deserve this. All this time, he’s just been fighting for justice. We’re the ones who hurt him, and…I’m not going to let any of you…any of _us_ hurt him anymore.” Harley gingerly took a few steps forwards to stand next to him.

“I’m with you, sugar,” she reassured him, glancing at the unconscious superhero that lay behind the clown. Ivy groaned.

“Well, I can’t exactly compete with you, can I, sweetheart?” she grumbled, walking over to rest beside her girlfriend. Harley slung her arm around Ivy, who giggled.

Bane moved towards Batman menacingly, with the Riddler, Mr Freeze and Catwoman not far behind.

“Riddle me this,” the Riddler hissed. “Why have you all gone soft?!” Bane grunted in agreement.

“Guys…” the Joker tried. “I don’t want to hurt any of you. You’re my buddies, right? So stop. Just stop already!” he yelled in frustration. Bane stalked towards his prey, ignoring the Joker’s protests.

“Nothing you can say will stop me from taking my revenge. So, little clown, move out of the way, or I will _make_ you move.” The Joker sighed in exasperation.

“Oh, well. I tried. **Good luck trying to get to him without fighting me first.** ” With that, Bane swung a huge arm at Joker, easily blocked by Harley’s club. Ivy sent four vines out to meet Bane’s limbs, which, at contact, wrapped themselves firmly around the brute. However, at the same time, Mr Freeze aimed a blast straight at Harley’s torso, freezing her.

“Hey!” the Joker cried unhappily, “That’s my girl buddy!” In his anger, he released a venomous dose of Joker gas, overwhelming Mr Freeze.

“Oh, Joker!” The green clown spun to see the Riddler holding Batman’s body in his arms. “ _Now_ who’s winning?” But before the Joker could do anything about it, the Riddler screamed and released Batman’s unconscious body. He fell to the floor, and Joker caught sight of Catwoman from behind the Riddler.

“You were right, you pasty clown. Batman doesn’t deserve this.” Suddenly, a loud explosion rattled the warehouse. Rubble crashed down on the spot where Batman had been lying a few moments ago.

“Batsy!!!” the Joker hollered, bounding towards the pile of broken stone and brick. Bane laughed, free of his restraints.

“My bombs should teach him a lesson. Let’s see how he survives this one!” Bane took off, satisfied with the superhero’s demise.

The Joker dug frantically through the rubble, searching for his beloved Batman. He got a glimpse of a black cowl, and rummaged harder, until at last, the broken superhero lay in Joker’s arms.

“Bats,” the green haired clown breathed. “No…don’t leave me.” Harley, having been freed from the ice by Ivy, put a cold hand on his shoulder.

“It’s okay, Mr J. These things happen.” But the Joker wasn’t ready to give up.

“No,” he said again, determinedly. “Those things aren’t going to happen to me. Not again.” Gently, he pushed his lips against Batman’s. But nothing happened.

“C’mon,” the Joker whispered to his greatest enemy. “I need you. What am I supposed to do without you? We hate each other, remember?” No reply. The Joker hung his head, before hearing:

“If I had a dollar for every time you said that…” Eyes shining, the Joker looked down to see his nemesis meet his eyes. Without thinking, the Joker kissed the surprised vigilante.

“Batsy! You’re alive!” The Dark Knight blushed under his cowl.

“Was not expecting that,” he muttered. Then, smiling at his enemy, said: “I hate you too, J.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed that! Feel free to leave comments/corrections!
> 
> I have a question for you guys (it might help with my writing...)  
> Do you like:  
> a) fluffy one shots like the first chapter  
> b) angsty ones (I haven't really done any of those yet...trying not to break any shipper hearts)  
> c) specific universes (in most of my one shots, the characters are a mix of all the interpretations)  
> e) AUs (you know, high school, etc.)  
> f) all of the above  
> g) something else entirely???
> 
> It would really help me with this fiction if you left your thoughts with me :)


	6. Falling For It (Excerpt)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry I haven't updated in soooo long! I've been working on a one-shot, but's got longer and longer and longer so...  
> It's going to be its own fiction.  
> You can read the entire fiction here: http://archiveofourown.org/works/11726895/chapters/26420454  
> But below is a taster....  
> (It can be a one-shot in itself, I just took it further.)

They balanced on the edge of the roof, facing each other. The Bat and the Clown.

“Step _away_ from the edge,” the Dark Knight ordered, between gritted teeth.

“Or what?” The Joker grinned, the kind of grin that didn’t belong on a murderer’s face. “You gonna catch me? Rough me a little and send me straight back to dear old Arkham? Oh Bats, I just _know_ you will. You don’t need to patronise me, darling. I know the dance as well as you do. And dare I say it? Perhaps, I might just know it a little better than you…”

“You’re crazy, Joker. We both know it. So just surrender and we won’t have to do this the hard way.” The clown giggled, criss-crossing his eyes mockingly before returning his gaze to Batman’s.

“Slow down, sweetheart; we got all night,” he said huskily, that permanent smile locked on his lips. “Humour me. What if I…break this little cycle? _Whatever_ would you do without _me_ , Batsy?” He sighed dramatically, before cracking up. “Ha! I’m no riddler, baby. Let me tell you.

“ _I’d win,_ ” he growled suddenly, all signs of lightness gone from his eyes. “And _you_? You’d furl up those Bat wings and you’d spiral down. You’d go down so fast, you’d catch fire. You’d burn. And when you’d hit rock bottom, you’d just lie there, all pathetic, and fizzle out.” The Joker paused, looking at the drop below him, then back up at Batman. The playful glint had returned to his eyes. “Trust me on this, darling,” he drawled, still grinning as always. “Why, I hear you ask? Why trust the clown? It’s simple, really. It’s because we’re mirrors, Batsy. Mirrors!” The clown tilted his head back and laughed. The Dark Knight stepped forward, ever so slightly hesitant. Maybe the Joker noticed, maybe he didn’t. For once, Batman couldn’t tell.

“You’ve said _enough_ , clown. Now do as you’re told.”

“Clown? I don’t know about that.” The Joker licked his lips, almost subconsciously. “See, some people…I reckon they call me a clown ‘cos of all this,” he admitted, waving a hand in front of his face. “But they’re all, uh… _boring_ people anyway. The lot of them. I mean, if you don’t like how I look, just say so, y’know? _Clown_ barely fits.” He chuckled, something dark leaking into his voice as he continued. “But then there’s all those other people, the…the _real_ ones, the ones with… _substance_ , if you get what I’m saying. And they? They call me a clown ‘cos of who I am. _The Joker_.” He spun about a little, dangerously close to slipping off the edge. “I’m funny, see? Funny like a clown. I. Am. Hilarious! But, then there’s the sad thing. The sad, sad thing. You, my greatest partner, my addiction, my… _obsession_ , disagree. You don’t see it, do you?  In your righteous little mind, you think that I’m not amusing _in the slightest_. Well, darling, I am. So, Batsy…how about it? Wanna hear a joke?” The clown spread his arms out, as if he were presenting to an audience, but before he could begin telling his (almost definitely twisted) joke, the Dark Knight closed the distance between them, and grabbed Joker’s arm, roughly.

“Listen to me, you bastard,” Batman growled. “I’ve had enough of your sick little mind games. You’re going back to Arkham, and I _swear_ I will make sure you remain there.” The Joker giggled.

“Didn’t I say so? Oh, well. Some habits die hard, as they say. But, uh…would you allow me this one last joke? Please, Batsy baby?” The clown batted his eyelashes. “I mean, we wouldn’t want anything to happen to sweet little Robin, would we?”

“Are you seriously threa- You know what? Forget it. Just…just spit it out so I can send you back.”  The Joker tried to pull his arm out of Batman’s grip, gently, but when he didn’t relent, the Joker just rolled his eyes and attempted to applaud in that position.

“Ah, well. I can’t express my gratitude. Your loss, _darling_. Anyway, how rude am I being? I should never keep an audience waiting…” The Joker smiled a little at that, before launching into the joke. “So, there were these two people who were _very_ much in love. Almost violently in love, you could say.” The clown winked at Batman. “But Person 1 was getting a little…bored of their relationship. You see, their daily routine was _awfully_ mundane, and they’d been at it for years! So, one day, Person 1 decided they’d had enough. They climbed up the stairs to the roof of their apartment building.” The Joker looked down. “A bit like the one we’re on top of. How coincidental!” The Dark Knight narrowed his eyes, saying nothing. “Person 1 stood on this edge of the roof for _hours_ , thinking some very dark thoughts. A while later, Person 2 finally found them. They stepped up beside Person 1 and told them - no, _begged_ them - to reconsider. Person 2 told Person 1 that they loved them and that they couldn’t afford to lose them.” By this point, the Joker had successfully managed to release himself from Batman’s hold, telling the story in a way that foolishly brought Batman’s guard down, even though he knew that it should be the other way around. It was just the way that the clown’s eyes twinkled that enraptured him. He couldn’t help it.

Catching him unaware, the Joker jerked out, wrapping a leg around the Dark Knight’s ankle ferociously. Batman lost his footing and lurched over the side, only to be held from his cape by a grinning Joker.

“Going so soon, _Batsy_? At least let me finish! Where were we? Oh, yes! Person 1 just laughed at Person’s 2 concern. ‘Oh, silly,’ Person 1 said. ‘I wasn’t going to jump. I was going to do _this_!’ And with that, Person 1 shoved their beloved Person 2 off the roof. As they fell, Person 1 yelled, and here’s the punchline…” The clown, surprisingly strong, pulled the Bat’s face close to his own. “ _’I guess you fell for it_.’” The Joker laughed manically, almost bending over, and in doing so, released Batman’s cape, so that the Dark Knight went hurtling down. “I GUESS YOU FELL FOR IT!” he screamed, again, and again, and a-

 

“You’re such a spoilsport,” the Joker grumbled, as Batman handed him over to a police officer.

“You did it once again, Batman,” came a voice from behind him. The Dark Knight swivelled around, identifying Commissioner Gordon as he strided towards him.

“Just doing my job, Commissioner,” he downplayed. Then, in a lowered voice: “Gordon, I need to discuss something with you.” The Commissioner nodded and they stepped aside, away from the police vehicles. “We need to increase the security at Arkham Asylum.” Gordon sighed.

“Batman, you know that I would like nothing more than to see the Joker safely locked away. But we’re running out of options – there’s only so much that we can do.” The Dark Knight balled his hand into a fist.

“Damnit! I need a solution. That…that _maniac_ is beginning to…I don’t know, affect me? His games are more dangerous than ever, and he’s going so far as to threaten Robin. I don’t care what it takes, I’ll even invest the money myself-”

“Bruce,” Gordon interrupted. “There _is_ one thing we could do. Metropolis has state-of-the-art security systems, personally developed by Lex Luthor. If you make a deal with Lex Corp-”

“No. Lex Corp’s not secure. I have reliable sources. What we need is-” But anything he was going to say was cut off by one of the police officers, yelling:

“Stop him! The convict’s getting away!” Batman span to see the Joker, still handcuffed, making a run for it.

“He’s heading for the pier!” Commissioner Gordon yelled. “All units, assemble on the south side and try to round him up from there. Batman, take three officers and follow him. Go!” The Dark Knight took off at a run, relying on the ever-present flash of green hair and a purple suit. He could hear the pounding footsteps of the three officers behind him.

The Joker was a fast runner. Batman knew, that with the other officers beside him, he wouldn’t be able to catch up. He was responsible for them, too.

“Follow me!” he hollered at them, turning off into an alley. He knew a short cut that was faster than taking the south route Commissioner Gordon had suggested. They leaped over a gate, before spilling out onto the pier. He could see the Joker running along the wooden structure. Batman glanced to either side. The backup officers hadn’t arrived yet, as he’d suspected. But the Joker was sprinting towards a dead end.

He raced after the clown, the steady _plonk_ sounding under his feet as he ran over the wooden beams.

“Sir, maybe we should wait for the others!” one of the officers shouted from behind him, following him nonetheless.

“No,” Batman growled in return. “We’ve got him.” The Joker reached the end of the pier, managing to stop in his tracks before his momentum sent him flying over the edge. He sighed deeply, before turning to Batman and the officers and bowing.

“Ah, it’s finally arrived. The closing act. The last performance. You can just _feel_ it in the air, can you not?” Batman gingerly took a step towards the Joker.

“What are you talking about, clown?” The Joker rolled his eyes.

“Darling, we’ve discussed that name.” He grinned at the officers. “Men, am I right? You can never…” He spun and took out a gun. “…hold them to anything.” The three officers immediately cocked their weapons, but Batman held a hand up, as if to say, _I can handle this._

“Joker, drop your gun. _Now_.” The Joker giggled, before narrowing his eyes.

“How about…I don’t?” he snarled, cocking his gun. He could feel the officers tensing around him.

“Hold your fire!” he shouted at them. Then, to the Joker: “And you. Surrender now. Or else I’ll…”

“Or you’ll do what?” the Joker hissed, laying a finger on the trigger and aiming. “You don’t have the heart to-” The Joker was silenced by the single bullet that ripped through his chest. The smile froze on his face, the laughter died on his lips. He giggled weakly. “And the curtains close,” he whispered, before stumbling and falling back into the icy waters below.

“No!” Batman cried, launching forwards and plunging himself into the freezing depths. His senses were immediately overloaded by the sensation of being _cold_ , cold in a way that would make Mr. Freeze envious. He blinked, trying to glimpse the familiar green-and-purple in the murky water. The current fought against him, swirling him about helplessly. His lungs clenched up, his stomach churned, and-

There. _There!_ He swam desperately towards the sinking body. He grasped at the Joker’s hand, pulling him close, before kicking up with as much force as he could muster and breaking the surface. He washed up somewhere secluded, away from the searching gaze of the G.C.P.D. – somewhere…alone.

The clown’s body was light. It shocked him how light it was. And cold…too cold for a living person. Batman stared at the gaping hole in the Joker’s chest, then at his mouth. _It’s the only way_ , he told himself. He pressed his warm lips against the clown’s freezing ones, blowing some fresh air in. But nothing happened. The Joker’s pulse wasn’t going to come back. The Dark Knight pulled away, wiping off remnants of lipstick with the back of his arm, and closed his enemy’s unseeing eyes.


	7. Fireworks and Movies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Based on Lego Batjokes Prompts #88:  
> "I say we have Dick decide."  
> "Fine."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I haven't updated in ages! Exams hit me like a TRUCK. Plus, I'm working on a new series...  
> Anyway, Happy New Year!

“But, Bruce, you know I wouldn’t try anything! Please, please, please?” the Joker begged against Bruce’s chest, fluttering his eyelashes up at him. Bruce looked down at the green haired man in his arms and frowned.

“No.”

“But it’s New Year’s Eve! I wanna see the fireworks at the park!” the Joker whined. Bruce rolled his eyes. He’d had enough of social events and explosions for the year. He didn’t exactly want to end the year with a combined version of the two.

“Joker, no. We’re staying home and watching a movie.” The clown pushed out of his embrace, and stood straight, hands on hips. He looked adorable, although Bruce was certain it wasn’t the look he was going for.

“Let me guess; we’re watching Serendipity?” Bruce nodded, and the Joker shook his head.

“It’s hilarious!” he said defensively. “Dick and I want to watch it, and Alfred’s invited Babs over. The whole family’s gonna be here.”

“Wait…Robin told you he wants to watch it?” the Joker questioned. Bruce hummed in confirmation, excited. The Joker always listened to Dick – he couldn’t resist his boy charm.

“Funny, he told me he wanted to watch the fireworks.” Well, that was a lie. Bruce clearly remembered Dick agreeing to his plans whilst he played on his smartphone. But the notion gave him an idea.

 **“I say we have Dick decide,”** Bruce proposed, and the Joker smirked, as if the idea suited him. But it couldn’t, could it?

**“Fine.”**

____________________________

The Joker refused to open his eyes. Bruce, Dick, Barbara, Alfred, and Harley, who Bruce had decided to invite, were all enjoying the movie, sharing popcorn and laughing at the screen. Joker was seated next to Bruce, stiff against the casual arm Bruce had swung over his shoulder. The dark-haired man pressed closer.

“C’mon, Jokes, open your eyes.” The Joker screwed his eyes shut tighter and shook his head vehemently.

“No. Robin betrayed me!” He couldn’t believe that innocent little Robin could’ve lied to him. He was sure that the little boy had told him that he wanted to see fireworks, but yet he’d taken Bruce’s side straight away.

Bruce sighed into his shoulder and continued watching.

A few minutes later, the Joker felt Bruce take his hand and tug him to his feet. Harley raised an eye, and Barbara nodded knowingly. Alfred was nowhere to be seen, and Robin was too immersed in the movie to notice Bruce and the Joker leaving the cinema room.

Bruce weaved his way through the mansion confidently, picking up the Joker and carrying him bridal style. He almost forgot that he was meant to be sulking, and relaxed into Bruce’s arms, before blinking and retaining his rigid posture.

They reached the master bedroom, and Bruce easily slid the Joker onto the floor, and threw back the curtains. Moonlight filtered in through the full-length windows. Bruce led the Joker over to the balcony, opening the windows. The Joker shivered as a gust of cold air hit him.

“W-what are we doing out here, Brucey?” he whispered, looking out across the gardens below him. Bruce pulled him into a hug, and pressed a kiss against his forehead. He leant his mouth down the Joker’s ears and began whispering in his ear.

“Ten…nine…eight…seven…six…five…” Joker’s eyes widened, and he joined in.

“Four…three…two…one…” they chanted together, and before the Joker could say zero, Bruce kissed him.

Behind them, fireworks began to explode. The Joker gasped and broke the sweet kiss to watch them, laughing when they spelled out the words: ‘Batsy loves his Joker <3’. He giggled and relaxed against Bruce’s strong embrace.

“Happy now?” Bruce asked, smiling.

“Brucey, I’m happy as long as you’re with me.” He snuggled into Bruce’s shoulder, sighing contentedly.

“Love you,” Bruce mumbled as he tucked his chin over the Joker’s head.

“Love you too, Batsy.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed this, and remember, kudos and comments are appreciated! Sorry for any mistakes, and feel free to correct me and leave your thoughts!


	8. Valentine's Blunders

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Based on Lego Batjokes Prompt #637  
> Joker: BRUCE THOMAS WAYNE!!??  
> Bruce: Uh oh, middle name.
> 
> It's Valentine's Day, but uh...Joker isn't happy - R.I.P. Bruce's peaceful day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a month! Oh my lord, am I busy or what? But I cannot just ignore Valentine's day, now can I? I love writing Batjokes, and your lovely comments make my day <3  
> Also, 1000 hits? 100 kudos? Are you kidding me? I love you all!

It had been a relatively peaceful day.

Sure, it was only 6:00am, but still. Bruce nursed his mug of coffee, peeking through the large curtains of the living room. Not too bright, but he could still see Alfred humming to himself as he took care of the flowers – perfect.

That was, until the most ungodly screaming filled the house.

 **“BRUCE THOMAS WAYNE!!??”** The Joker yelled from upstairs. Bruce jumped three feet in the air. He wasn’t startled, no. He just…well, he had great reflexes, didn’t he? Especially from the time spent fighting the ex-villain.

 **“Uh oh,”** he muttered, placing the coffee down, which miraculously hadn’t spilt when he’d jumped. **“Middle name.”**

The use of the name ‘Thomas’ was rare. And, it only ever spelt one thing: absolute mayhem. And disaster. That, too. Although didn’t that make it two things? Okay, so the Joker shouting his middle name called for-

Bruce was knocked out of his reverie by a messy bundle of green hair and pale skin. He was almost impressed that the Joker beat his reaction time-

Wait, no. He was just distracted.

_Mwah._

The Joker had pressed a sloppy kiss to his cheek. Bruce was pretty sure that if he rubbed his face, his hand would come away red, but he didn’t dare. The last time he’d done that, the Joker had taken it personally and had ignored him for three days. But how was he supposed to know it was offensive? He’d only been curious.

_Mwah._

Another kiss. Bruce realised that this was strange. Not that the Joker was kissing him, no. More that he’d invoked the terror of the Middle Name but was now acting perfectly sweet.

In a moment of paranoia, Bruce tackled the clown to the ground and climbed on top of him, effectively trapping him under his weight. To his chagrin, the Joker just giggled.

“Now you’re speaking my language, Brucie!” It was at this moment that Bruce realised what their position must look like. But he wasn’t about to be led astray by the Joker, so just leaned closer. And no, it was nothing to do with the Joker’s warm body or his honey-gasoline scent.

“Okay, J, spill. Why are you trying to terrify me? Not that I got scared, of course.” The Joker growled.

“Thomas,” he warned, with blazing eyes. Bruce gulped and retreated in a matter of seconds.

And then Joker started laughing. Bruce looked up in surprise to see the adorable crooked teeth on display as Joker chuckled.

“Aww, I thought you weren’t scared?” he said, batting his eyelashes innocently. That little-

Enough was enough. Bruce sprang onto the Joker, who yelped, then giggled again as Bruce began peppering him with kisses.

“Stop it, stop it!” Bruce sat back, grinning. The Joker smiled softly back, and his eyes seemed to stand out more. Suddenly, Bruce felt quite captivated.

“Seriously, J,” Bruce said quietly, not wanting to ruin the moment, “why were you screaming two minutes ago?” The Joker pouted.

“Because it’s Valentine’s Day and I didn’t get to wake up next to you! But I still get presents, don’t I?” The Joker looked up at him hopefully.

Valentine’s Day?

Oh. _Oh._

Well, shit.

Bruce had forgotten all about that.

But before he could consider how screwed he was, Alfred walked in with red roses, sprinkled with green and purple glitter.

“Ah, Master J. There you are! Bruce had me send these up to your room, but you weren’t there when I arrived. This is your first present, and if you’ll follow me, you’ll find the rest of your treats.” The Joker’s eyes lit up as he accepted the roses.

“Thank you, thank you, thank you!” The Joker launched himself at Bruce once again and embraced him in a deep kiss. “I love you, Brucie,” he murmured.

“I love you too, J,” Bruce replied. The Joker detangled himself and proceeded to bound down the hallway in the direction Alfred pointed him in.

Bruce got to his feet and smiled at Alfred gratefully.

“Alfred, you are a life saver.” The old man smiled in return.

“You still have much to learn, Master Bruce, but your love is true. Now, I have Master Dick staying with Miss Barbara for the day, and a reservation booked for dinner. I daresay you should take Master J out, and perhaps buy him something of your own accord?”

Before Bruce could reply, Joker popped back in.

“Oh, and thank you, Alfred.”

“Whatever for, Master J?” Alfred asked, bemused.

“Well, for the roses, the gifts, the tickets, and all that, you know. I was only thanking Bruce for loving me. But hey, thanks for reminding him what day it was, too.” The Joker winked and left the room, leaving Bruce to wonder if he would ever truly figure out his lover.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked it! Feel free to let me know what you think and please please please mention any corrections.
> 
> Also, I'm taking requests on my Tumblr blog, @jokesequaljoker, so head on there if there's something you'd like written <3


	9. Signals

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Based on Lego Batjokes Prompt #689  
> B: Is anyone here? Gordon? Why is the Bat Signal on? Hel-  
> J: *points Bat Signal at Batman*  
> B: Argh! My eyes! Oh, hello, Joker.  
> J: Well, hello there, Batsy~ I see you finally answered ONE of my calls.  
> B: I don’t have time for this Joker.  
> J: W-wait! At least…please? Please tell me what’s wrong? Why are you ignoring me Bats?  
> B: …let go.  
> J: Bruce…is something wrong?  
> B: Yes.  
> J: Then tell me! We might try-  
> B: It’s you, Joker. Goodbye.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This little ficlet begins after the conversation listed in this chapter's summary (aka the prompt). You might want to read that first. Apart from that, I hope you enjoy it!  
> (I'm trying to combat angst with fluff, so all the angsty prompts shall get fluff instead)

“W-what?” 

There it is again. That teary face. That face that Bruce  _can’t stop thinking about_. He steps, backwards, off the building. He’s done this a million times: spread the wings, dive, jump straight back into the Batmobile. 

He’s never done it with the Joker clutching on to him before, though.

They leap into the Batmobile, with Joker sprawled on his lap, still clinging on for dear life.

“Whoo! That was…somethin’ else, Batsy. We gotta do that again!” 

That voice reminds him. Of  _everything_. And Bruce is suddenly fumbling to get the Joker away from him.

“What the heck, Joker? I told you to leave me alone!” The Joker pouts. Adorably.

And damn him for making Bruce feel this way.

“How many times has that worked?” Joker grabs Bruce’s hand and entwines with his own. “We have a special something, remember, Batsy? Who’s gonna stop those fireworks exploding? Who’s gonna make me feel special?”

Bruce gulps.  _Go away feelings!_  he thinks to himself.

“J Bird, I need some time alone. You…you’re confusing me.” The Joker leans in, and goddamn, he  _blushes_ , to which the Joker blinks once. Twice. Then shakes his head slowly.

“ _Ohhhhhhh_ ,” the Joker says, and it’s probably the most annoying thing that has ever come out of his mouth. “Batsy, don’t tell me you lo- _mffphhh_!”

Bruce had to shut him up. He  _had_  to. And the Joker isn’t unresponsive against his lips. 

_Wait, what?!_

Bruce pulls back, causing the Joker to giggle against his lips.

“Aww! You  _like_  me! Well, Batsy. Me too. Me too!” And with that, the Joker lunges forwards again, diving in for another kiss.

Ever since that moment, Bruce has never tried to get Joker to leave him alone. 

Why?

Because it never works. Not that he’s complaining, though.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note the words: ficlet! This was really just to cheer people up. I've been doing other little things like this on my Tumblr, @jokesequaljoker, so go check it out if you wish :)   
> I'll try to transfer as much as possible here, but some things just require the post!


	10. Look Up (At Me)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Based on Lego Batjokes Prompt #693  
> Batman and Joker: *bleeding on the roof of a building after a fight*  
> J: B-Bats? Did you see that?  
> B: *cough* What?  
> J: A…a shooting star. Make a…ow…make a wish.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am on a quest to combat angst with fluff.
> 
> There may be a possible trigger warning for blood/hurt? But I don't really mention it. Just thought it might be useful in case someone's not happy with even mild fights.

The downpour seems to be the only consistent variable in the entire setting. Raindrops hit the tiles, drizzle down the windows, and drain into the gutter. They streak against his face, wiping his makeup away. Random splatters of red hit the surface that they both balance on; the lipstick mingles with the blood.

Batman looms over him; strong, and handsome as ever.

But he can’t think that. _He cannot think that right now_ , not as they _fight_.

Yet, he thinks about it anyway, thoughts cut short by a blow that has him stumbling back. He feints, seeming to clutch at his body, but pulls out a razor-sharp Joker card instead.

Of course, _Batsy’s_ going to know about it, isn’t he? Those fascinating gauntlets slice through the air easily. Oh, but the Dark Knight’s _tired_! The defensive movement has him tumbling forward, but just before he lands on top of the Joker, he rolls to the side.

_Damnit._

They lay there, exhausted, and he’s captivated at how they seem almost…serene. Like they understand each other.

Which they do, don’t they? Why else would his Batsy let him go? Ruffle his hair now and then?

He blinks.

“B-Bats?” It hurts to talk. _It hurts_. “Did you see that?” Batman’s in no better shape, it seems, as he begins to cough.

“What?” he manages to say, and the Joker allows himself a little smile. _See? The connection is there._

“A…” Even a single syllable is an effort. His Dark Knight challenged him all right. “A shooting star. Make a-” He rolls over onto his side in an attempt to be romantic or something, and regrets it instantly. “Ow.” He tries again. “Make a wish.”

_I wish he’d just kiss me, already._

A stunned silence follows for nine seconds exactly (not that he’s counting), until he’s half thinking he made a wish out loud, before Batman rolls over to meet his gaze.

“You can’t say things like that.” His voice is unsteady, but he doesn’t cough. Because he’s brave.

“Things like what?” Things that are sweet. Things that are romantic, and normal, and all the rest of it. He _knows_. But it’s fun to see Batsy fumble.

“Things like…things that are kind of… _nice_ , okay?” The Joker smiles, softly as possible.

“Why?” _Ha_. It’s amusing playing ignorant.

“Because…we’re not – you can’t-” And then the wish comes true.

And it’s funny, isn’t it? The rain is cold, and consistent, but his Dark Knight’s kisses are warm, and well, it’s only ever happened once.

But they can work on that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> JOKER LOVES BATMAN AND I SWEAR BY IT
> 
> Anyway:  
> Leave a comment and any corrections! I love hearing all of your opinions; you make my day! Remember, this is all sourced from my Tumblr, @jokesequaljoker, so go say hello. I may pull you into a five hour discussion, though. You have been warned.  
> Thanks for all the love <3


	11. Reasons Why He's Important To Him

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Based on @lego-batjokes-prompts' 'It's a Wonderful Life AU':  
> Bruce has a chance to glimpse what Gotham would be like if he had never become Batman.  
> (Submitted by @its-nikki-bitch on Tumblr)
> 
> This is a rebuttal of @2-socks-in-a-box (on Tumblr)'s idea that Batman sees that Gotham was actually fine without him, and there was only petty crime, no big crime; Gotham was thriving. Their idea was that Batman made it worse, and that he could've talked to a therapist about his troubles and everything would be better.  
> Of course, @2-socks-in-a-box is a big fan of Batman, and isn't saying that this is what they think - they're saying 'what if'.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is not your conventional batjokes ficlet, folks! This is, as mentioned, a rebuttal, and kind of a headcannon. It's prose-y though, so I thought that I might share this idea here. As for the batjokes, that's the angle I'm going for - how much the Joker needs Batman.  
> (You can see their relationship if you squint.)

_**[THE REBUTTAL WHERE GOTHAM IS AWFUL WITHOUT OUR BELOVED BATS AND JOKER IS BROKEN:]** _

On the other hand, he sees a broken city.

Same crime, sometimes worse, but the victims don’t have that same hope they do in his world. No eyes sparkle.

Some parts of Gotham are just covered in rubble. Kids crying, people abandoned. The orphanage used to stand there.

He sees a brown haired person who seems almost familiar, wearing plain beige clothes, and shivering from the cold. The person kicks through the rubble, halfheartedly points a gun at a rubbish tip. He shoots randomly, not caring, not trying.

And he turns.

It’s the Joker, only it’s  _not_  the Joker, it’s someone else entirely. Someone emotionless, someone  _desperate_ , who feels no empathy. Had he ever tried makeup on, the rain would’ve long washed it away. He keeps a black and white photograph in his coat pocket, of his best friend, a Harleen or something, who was killed long ago. His destruction is aimless. He is alone in this world.

A newspaper flutters past. Big news: the playboy billionaire Bruce Wayne has bought a small island off the coast of America. The wind turns it over: the Gordons were assassinated by the mob. It’s on the back page. Hope is lost.

This? This is a world where the Joker has no colour, where Dick didn’t live long enough to find family. Where not even Barbara’s valiant efforts were enough. A world where  _his own self_  didn’t care enough - a person who internalised his pain and ignored it. Someone who gave up on the world. This is a ruined Gotham.

This is a world without Batman.

When he goes back, he fights with more fervour, loves with more intensity, checks up on the Joker, and on Harley, and spends valued time with his family.

The Joker isn’t complete without Batman.

Robin would’ve never found his family without Batman.

Barbara is stronger with her team.

And Batman? He knows he made the right choice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologise sincerely if you hated this. I know, I know, it's not conventional. But it's batjokes, and this is what we're here for! Honestly, though, I love you all, and you're all so lovely - it makes my day! if you want to complain (or not complain???), please leave a comment and let me know what you thought! Any corrections are much appreciated! And of course, I am on Tumblr at @jokesequaljoker, if any of you want to know (and aren't aware XD).  
> Quick note that I'm in exam season, so updates may be sporadic...  
> Love you all, and sorry for the essay XD


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